A serious conversation with myself.

That interview the other day did not go so well. You know what was interesting though? My credentials are there... 3.93 GPA and work experience with data entry. But you know what wasn't? My heart. When the interviewer grilled me on my interest in finance and investments, I struggled to talk about anything recent in the financial news. I realized after that day that I really wasn't interested in working for a financial or investment company. The interest, the passion simply wasn't there. So of course, I had to seriously reconsider my options and set sail for a new course in my future.

What better way than talk to someone who knows me best?

Inner-me: Yo. You there woman?
Me: Oh hey sup. I'm just being depressed over my interview, etc etc.
Inner-me: You are an idiot.
Me: What? Why? I studied so hard to ge-
Inner-me: That is bullshit. Studying hard doesn't automatically mean you will get a job in an industry you hate. How did you feel waiting outside that building? Were you excited? Or... scared?
Me: ... Okay fine. Maybe I wasn't as enthusiastic as I could have been but-
Inner-me: Actually, you weren't enthusiastic at all. From what I saw, you seemed to not want to be there. You wanted to leave. It wasn't right for you. Admit it.
Me: I... fine. You are right. I was scared. I hated the environment. But I still made myself walk through that door for some reason. I tried so damn hard to convince myself that it was right for me but... it really wasn't. This isn't what I want to do with my life.
Inner-me: Then why did you apply? Tell me. What DO you want to do?
Me: I don't know what I want to do... I want to work for a gaming company, a tech company, a design company... or a digital media company. Ok? You happy now?
Inner-me: So no finances?
Me: No. Not really. There's no creative outlet. I also kinda don't want to work from 7am to 9pm 7 days a week. Money = It's not worth my sanity.
Inner-me: Okay... so there you go. Apply for the jobs you can see yourself actually doing. Stop B/Sing yourself. You are so narrowminded... what makes you think you have to do business stuff just because you got an econ degree? Go with your heart... success will eventually follow.
Me: Geez. You are so blunt. But thanks for knocking some sense in me.

And that was that. Inner-me (aka rational thinking me) won once again. It's strange how this is how I solve my problems.

The day

... I can look in the mirror and actually see something of myself. I hope it comes soon.

I'm still in the process of looking for an internship. Have an interview next week sometime, and hopefully it will be smooth sailing from there. I hate how every time I see myself, I see a scared little girl who's barely out of high school, let alone out of college. I miss the days of saturday morning cartoons, of waking up late, of reading comics and manga, of being able to wear anything I want without being judged (when I can wear tshirts and baggy hoodies and people won't question my fashion sense).

I miss being me. It's not that I want to stay a kid forever though. I love the academics/learning/intellectual side of being an adult, but I hate everything else that comes with it. Politics, science, psychology, business and finance all fascinate me. Relationships (for the love of God, this is just scary), networking (...even scarier), fancy parties (what if I say something stupid!), and all of that stuff make me want to run the other way. I would love to be able to hold a job that lets me do all that nerdy finance/econ stuff but without all the repercussions associated with a career in business. /sigh

Did I ever tell you that...

;)

Ah sleep. I missed you so very much. My dark circles are finally going away after weeks of hardcore cramming and energy drinks. I look normal once again.. haha. My summer will look like the following:

- Work... nearly fulltime each week. Derp.
- Games to play/finish: A crapload that I still need to list.
- Shows to watch/finish: See above ^
- Learning flash/html/css. I have the books and all.
- Review two semesters of Chinese material since I skipped grades and still feel lost.
- Read every single issue of "The Economist" that I subscribed to since January but never got the chance to read.
- If I get to it: Buy a keyboard and learn piano~

I think I will separate the posts in my blog between actual serious stuff and personal off the record blurbs such as this one. Murrr.