The day

... I can look in the mirror and actually see something of myself. I hope it comes soon.

I'm still in the process of looking for an internship. Have an interview next week sometime, and hopefully it will be smooth sailing from there. I hate how every time I see myself, I see a scared little girl who's barely out of high school, let alone out of college. I miss the days of saturday morning cartoons, of waking up late, of reading comics and manga, of being able to wear anything I want without being judged (when I can wear tshirts and baggy hoodies and people won't question my fashion sense).

I miss being me. It's not that I want to stay a kid forever though. I love the academics/learning/intellectual side of being an adult, but I hate everything else that comes with it. Politics, science, psychology, business and finance all fascinate me. Relationships (for the love of God, this is just scary), networking (...even scarier), fancy parties (what if I say something stupid!), and all of that stuff make me want to run the other way. I would love to be able to hold a job that lets me do all that nerdy finance/econ stuff but without all the repercussions associated with a career in business. /sigh

Does Meritocracy have any meaning in life anymore?

I know what people tell me. Connections are important. It's not what you know, it's who you know. Yet why do I not take these pieces of advice to heart as I head towards my fourth year in college with what seems like nothing but my own two feet?

The idea of networking continues to frighten me. I imagine horror scenarios where I have to wear a fancy evening gown, making my way around a cocktail party as I introduce myself to people who are deemed important. I have to put on a smile as I try to sell myself, who I am, and brand myself as someone as important and worthy as they are. Is this what society considers to be the right path to success? That instead of improving my efficiency to do the job right, I should focus on how I look, and how I should shake my hand the next time I talk to someone?

I get it. Impressions are important. But what am I impressing you with? My 5'1 height, baby-faced face won't impress anyone, I can tell you that. Can I impress you with my GPA instead, or the fact that I can multitask like a god, or that I will actually put every bit of effort into my work, even if it means staying overtime or not taking vacations? But you can't see that by looking at me. You will probably just see a very awkward person who's merit-oriented attitude stands out in a society that puts emphasis on charisma and personality.